When a major life event happens—whether it’s a career change, a loss, relationship challenges, or health issues—a number of Black men may find themselves asking: Who can I talk to about this without feeling like a burden?

For generations, many have been taught to push through challenges, suppress their feelings, and handle problems on their own. As a result, being vulnerable has not always felt easy, leaving Black men caught between wanting to be emotionally honest and feeling pressure to remain strong.

And while there are more conversations about mental health, many are now asking a different question: What’s next? Beyond encouraging Black men to seek therapy, there is also a growing need to discuss what healing looks like in practice and how people can find support in ways that feel right for them. 

The need for these conversations isn’t just about awareness—it’s about saving lives. In fact, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide rates among Black youth and young adults have increased in recent years, emphasizing the urgent need for awareness, access to support, and culturally relevant mental health resources. 

One person helping to lead that conversation is Kier Gaines. As a licensed therapist, mental health advocate, and author of the upcoming book It All Starts When You Do: How to Do the Real Work of Self-Healing, Gaines has built a platform centered on emotional wellness, relationships, and healing. He spoke with ESSENCE about the evolving conversation around Black men’s mental health, challenging traditional ideas of masculinity, and why emotional honesty may be one of the greatest strengths a man can possess. 

Why More Black Men Are Embracing Conversations About Mental Health 

For years, mental health was a topic that many Black families didn’t openly discuss. In some households, admitting that you were struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges was often considered taboo. But as conversations about emotional wellness have become more common, both online and off, many Black men are gaining a deeper understanding of how their inner lives shape their relationships, families, and overall quality of life. 

Gaines sees it firsthand. In his counseling office, his friendships, and his own community, he describes it as an emotional renaissance—more men becoming aware of how their emotions shape their thoughts, behaviors, and relationships.

“You can’t scroll social media without encountering conversations about trauma, attachment, boundaries, self-esteem, or mental health,” Gaines tells ESSENCE. “People may not always use those terms correctly, but the language has become accessible. And once people have language, they have something to measure their experiences up against.”

Growing up, Black men heard phrases like, “Boys don’t cry” or “Toughen up.” Over time, those messages can shape how they communicate in their everyday lives, making it more difficult to express emotions openly or ask for help when they need it. And according to Gaines, carrying those expectations can be exhausting. 

“Black men are tired. We’re tired of carrying everything alone. We’re tired of performing strength while struggling in silence,” he says. For Gaines, part of the problem runs deeper than people realize. “We’ve confused toughness with strength. Toughness is enduring pain. Strength is challenging the reason that you’re carrying so much of it in the first place.” 

For him, it’s about redefining strength entirely. 

“Today, I define strength differently—it’s mostly honesty,” he explains. “It’s self-honesty: the ability to tell the truth about what you’re carrying and still show up for your life authentically. Strength isn’t pretending you’re unaffected. Strength is having the courage to confront what’s affecting you head-on.” 

The Hidden Emotional Burdens Black Men Carry 

Despite the growing openness around mental health, Gaines says some of the heaviest emotional burdens Black men carry still go unspoken. Loneliness tops the list, and not the obvious kind.

“I don’t think we fully understand what loneliness looks like in the lives of Black men,” he says. According to Gaines, it’s the loneliness of being surrounded by people who depend on you, yet rarely check in on how you’re doing. It can hide behind success, ambition, fatherhood, marriage, and responsibility—anywhere a man is expected to hold things together for anyone else. 

Another overlooked struggle Gaines has noticed is grief.

“So many Black men are carrying losses they never had the opportunity to process. They’ve lost loved ones, relationships, opportunities, dreams, and even versions of themselves,” he says. Rather than making room to mourn, many have been conditioned to keep moving forward, often carrying those losses silently. 

And underneath both loneliness and grief is a third, quieter burden: responsibility. As providers, fathers, partners, and caregivers, many Black men find themselves stretched thin by carrying expectations from every direction while neglecting their own needs. 

What Healing Can Look Like Beyond Therapy

While therapy can be a valuable tool, Gaines is quick to point out that it isn’t where healing starts or ends. 

“Healing can begin through honest conversations with trusted friends, mentorship, faith communities, support groups, creativity, movement, journaling, or simply learning how to tell the truth about what you’re feeling,” Gaines explains.

He notes that healing doesn’t always begin in a therapist’s office.

“Sometimes it starts with a quiet moment of honesty when you finally admit that what you’ve been carrying is heavier than you want to acknowledge,” he says.

Much of Gaines’ work centers on helping Black men build healthier relationships with others and with themselves. Whatever the conversation starts with—dating, fatherhood, partnership, or personal growth—there’s one belief he hopes Black men will challenge: the idea that healing is something that can wait until everything else is taken care of. 

“Too many men treat healing as a destination they’ll visit after they’ve handled everyone else’s needs,” Gaines says. “The problem is that day never comes.”

It’s a reminder that healing isn’t something reserved for a future version of yourself—it’s work that can begin today.